Mom Way vs. Dad Way

 

The stark difference in parenting styles can become glaringly apparent the moment you realize you're pregnant. Now pregnancy test and baby shampoo commercials all have us convinced that your husband's reaction to the big reveal will look something like this;

 

 

When in all actuality it's more like this;

 

 

Even if you had been "trying" (politically correct way of saying playing a LOT of Barry White and Al Green) for months or even years, the new Poppa reaction is I think more closely related to earth shattering shock. Dads, correct me if I'm wrong. Rage and Spazz, your Dad's reaction was and I quote "What are we gonna do with it, it's not the cat?"

 

Eventually, the shock wears off and thus begins the flurry of excitement and preparation that will carry on through the next nine months. Now the tale all about pregnancy and delivery surely merits it's own blog and the purpose of this little tale is to prepare you two for having your own children one day (Boys, this is not negotiable btw I want grandbabies! I've been assured that grandchildren are your reward for surviving the raising of your own children), and also highlight the glorious differences between the "Mom Way" and the "Dad Way".

 

After the first few months of new baby-dom (AKA-The Walking Dead Days, seriously why did y'all never sleep?) you hit your stride as parents. 

 

Feeding the baby:

 

Diapering the baby:

 

Even getting the baby to sleep:

 

You each find your own way to do these things. Your Dad was by far a neater baby feeder.  My love of pictures with you guys wearing on your spaghetti on your heads outweighed the bath time nightmare that always followed.  Never until you have kids did you think you'd have to shampoo marinara sauce out of a fellow human being's hair.

 

This segues into the quintessential anecdote I have about the Mom way vs. Dad way....bath time. Now Rage, you are the star of this particular show. It was after one of these spaghetti wearing dinners that your Dad lost the rock-paper-scissors to give you a bath. Daddy carried you upstairs kind of like this (without the crying)

 

And proceeded to give you a bath. After I'd finished checking facebook  doing the dishes, I headed up to check and see how you guys were doing. There you were all cute and nekkie and bubbly :) and your dad was holding you under your cute little arms and was more or less plunging you up and down gently in the bubbly water. Intrigued I asked him what he was doing.

 

Dad-"Well, washing the baby of course."

Mom-"What parts are you trying to get clean exactly?"

Dad-"Well his Downstairs, the water's soapy so a good plunging should do the trick, don't ya think?"

Mom-Can no longer be quoted as I momentarily died of laughter.

 

Moms will always be the washcloth all over kind of parent, whereas Dads adopt a plunge or water hose approach. Moms will demand two bites of hated vegetables and make you clean your room. Dad's will let you slide sometimes, and classify ketchup as a vegetable. Is one parenting style better than the other? After nearly a decade of this kid raising stuff I can honestly say no. Your Dad is by far more laid back and the guy you need around on the first night of  the "Cry it out" sleep method, all manner of technology/video game duties, and a crap ton of other tasks I'm no good at.

 

I also want to point out that over time, you pick up your partner's parenting traits. This past week, Rage came down with nasty case of Strep Throat. After the rock paper scissors of who would stay out with him (best way to make parenting decisions in case you haven't noticed), your Dad got you ready to go to the Doctor. I was running out the door to head to work, but not before I noticed how gently he picked you up and carried your big strong five year old self to the truck. Since you felt so bad, you were sort of draped over him with your head on his shoulder. He kissed your head and buckled you up. Now Dads may get the rep for being the rough and tumble fun guy, but at that moment it was glaringly apparent that the "Dad Way" can sometimes look a hell of a lot like the "Mom Way".

 





 

The Facebook Debacle of 2013

April 26th, 2067

Family #48693
Unit #099987
Total Recall Lane
Mars Bar City, Planet Mars

Dear Darling Spazz,

The year was 2013. Barack Obama was president, the Marriage Equality Act was under the scrutiny of the US Supreme Court, and we hadn't quite realized that Facebook was a super secret plot of a rogue Space Adventure Company that was preparing us all for life on other planets. As you know, teaching us remote controlled agriculture via "Farmville" and how to keep a Captain's log by posting everyday mundane details such as joy for the weekend and instagrammed pictures of our desserts, we would soon go on to colonize other planets thus bypassing the "Wall-E" effect of planet Earth.

Of course, you will remember Facebook as the Social Media site that got you grounded for two full weeks  when we discovered that you had acquired your very own account as a rogue act of your own at the ripe old age of 9. Your Father and I had forbade it until you turned 13, in hopes to protect you from Internet Predators. Aren't you glad they got they very own Planet? I'm sure that Alderaan Mark II is a lovely place. I bet they don't even notice the orbiting Death Star that will blow the whole planet up if they try to chat up 11 year olds. We also wanted to protect your future political career from posting pictures of your tween year old ass trying to look tough with a caption saying "I didn't chuse the thug life, it choze me! Lololololol".

 

Of course, even at nine you had better sense than that but we'd seen it happen. We also weren't ready for you to get a little girlfriend at school and put that you were "In a Relationship", and when the two week old romance fizzled out have you change it to "It's Complicated". Sweetie, you were nine. The only thing that should be complicated at nine is long division.

Anywho, if you recall you threw caution to the wind and as your first, and Thank the good Lord last, act of rebellion (you were such a good teenager, sniff-pride tear) you fibbed on your age and created your own account. Now since your Dad and I were still naïve we didn't catch on until several months later when you left your email open........ Needless to say, that was the day that Daddy and I brought down the hammer and the parental controls ramped up. You took it like a man and never snuck behind our backs again, or at least you got better at covering your tracks. Either way, the fact that you're reading this now just goes to show that you did in fact "survive" two whole weeks being grounded.

I'm sure that now that our Darling great-grandchildren , Zenith and Qazzar, have they're own new fangled acts of rebellion that Spazz Jr. and his life partner are dealing with. I wanted to write you this, so that you could relate to them on their level. It's so hard these days to know what's "jiggy" with the young people. Particularly when you just want the 411, you know what I'm saying home-slice (Zenith and Qazzar love it when Grammy "gets down" verbally.)

Well, I'm going to go take your father his lunch at the laboratory. Who would've guess that Daddy's interest in making science experiments in my kitchen would have led to his eventual Director's position at the NASA labs here on Mars. Give my love to Alice and her delightful Mother Tina Fey. So nice to have another comedian in the family besides me, Lololol!

Love Always,
Mom <3


P.S.
Finally got that family photo back from the Instagram kiosk at Sky Mall.